The Suelmarillion
by Bennybunny
Summary: Are you too lazy to even pick up the Silm? Worry not! Read this and you'll never have to open the book! Now, you too can pass off as a pseudo-intelectual who actually read Tolkien! ...At least the Beren and Lúthien bit, anyway.


**The Sue-lmarillion**  
  
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Tolkien.  
  
AN- Thanks to Annie. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't even have thought to write this.

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Lúthien:  
  
Only child of Elu Thingol and Melian, rulers of Doriath.  
  
Met Beren in the woods of her parents' kingdom, which he had entered after, in Gary Stu fashion, becoming the only man to have crossed the Misty Mountains. After a bit of flirting, she took him before her father's throne.  
  
Thingol, thinking himself dead clever, requested Beren to bring him a Silmaril from Morgoth's crown, in exchange for Lúthien's hand. Beren acted all cocky, saying that wasn't much to ask, but then went to Finrod and cried and sobbed like a bitch.  
  
Beren quickly managed to be captured by Sauron, and get his arse sent to the dungeons of Tol-in-Gaurhot. Melian, deciding to act completely OOC, alerted her daughter to this. Thingol, in a moment of rare idiocy, thought it best to imprison his own daughter in a tree with no ladders and surrounded by guards who spent their time looking up, in fright, for the tree probably had no draining system and Lúthien, perfect though she was, had to poop and pee.  
  
Weaving a cloak out of her own hair, Lúthien charmed the guards into sleep with a bit of her magic Mary-Sue hair and seemingly threw herself from her tree-house, Nienor style.  
  
She walked for a bit until she met Huan, the Hound, who took her to his master Celegorm. Celegorm, of course, fell madly in love with her, even though he knew nothing about her and she could very well have been a murderer. ...Like him. Even so, he took her back to his crib, in Nargothrond and there he and Curufin made her prisoner.  
  
Huan decided to betray Celegorm, who had been by his side since he was a puppy, for, though he was essentially a dog, he had a pretty evolved sense of morality and notion of good and evil and whatnot. So he helped Lúthien escape and went along with her.  
  
And many times Lúthien, in her loneliness, spoke with Huan, who, for plot purposes, could understand all she said. He even managed to speak with her too, to tell her of his plan to free Beren.  
  
Meanwhile, Beren got Finrod killed by a werewolf.  
  
Lúthien and Huan arrived and enacted a bit of Little Red Riding Hood. They did so until Sauron himself came to them so that Lúthien could go into damsel in distress mode and faint. Luckily, Huan saved her. By threatening Sauron to divest him of his beautiful clothes and body, Lúthien got control of his island.  
  
They then went in search of Beren, who hadn't moved from his hiding place, behind Finrod's carcass.  
  
Huan, kind of remembered those people weren't the ones who fed him, nursed him through sickness, received scoldings from their mums for bringing him all muddied up to the living-room, played with him since he was a pup, etc., and went back to Celegorm.  
  
Beren and Lúthien walked for a bit until they met Celegorm and Curufin again. Curufin, in a show of hot muscled male strength, picked Lúthien onto his own horse while in full gallop. For reasons we are unable to grasp, she was still stupid enough to prefer Beren, who couldn't even save himself.  
  
Huan solved the situation and Celegorm and Curufin went away. But not before trying to kill them with a well-aimed arrow which Huan caught in his teeth.  
  
The next morning, Beren recognized Huan to be far more worthy of Lúthien than himself and left.  
  
But Lúthien wanted Beren anyway and convinced Huan to follow him. This was probably about Hallowe'en, since Huan masked himself as a werewolf and Lúthien as a bat.  
  
They rejoined Beren who, for the 3rd time, cursed the oath he swore to Thingol, even though we can't remember the first 2.  
  
Huan talked again to give Beren some relationship advice.  
Lúthien, having enjoyed the bat costume, wore it again. Beren was horrified by her new appearance, proving once and for all that he was only in love with her for her looks.  
  
They reached Angband, only to find a bouncer at the door: Carcaroth, the wolf. Lúthien put him to sleep with her Mary-Sue powers.  
  
They got to Morgoth and Lúthien offered to sing for him, as one usually does, when meeting a Dark Lord who is trying to imprison all living creatures and destroy Arda.  
Morgoth, obviously being unbelievably thick, found this to be normal and sat back to enjoy the show.  
  
Using her amazing powers, Lúthien put Morgoth and all his wicked underlings to sleep, thus proving the Valar to be useless. For it took all of them to chain Morgoth, while Lúthien knocked him out on her own, without even having to touch him.  
  
Beren took the chance to steal the Silmaril from Morgoth's crown, while Lúthien went for Morgoth's wallet. Greedily, Beren tried to steal all the Silmarils, but Morgoth awoke. And both of them hightailed out of there.  
  
Carcaroth, who was already awake, went to them and Lúthien suddenly didn't feel like doing anything. Beren, pathetically jumped in front of her and showing unbelievable cleverness waved his hand- with the Silmaril in it- in front of the wolf's snout. Looking at Beren like he was retarded, Carcaroth ate his hand and with it the Silmaril. But the Silmaril was too heavy a meal for Carcaroth and he fled into the south, where we guess was a bathroom.  
  
Beren and Lúthien returned to Menegroth, where they were received with joy, even though Beren didn't have the Silmaril, had taken away the King's daughter and had stupidly lost his writing hand. Still, he decided he should at least go find Carcaroth and retrieve the Silmaril. And off he went with the King.  
  
In the end, Huan was the one who had to kill Carcaroth and get the Silmaril back. Even though he did virtually nothing, Beren managed to get himself mortally wounded. After Huan said his goodbyes and died, Beren died too, and soon after him, Lúthien.  
  
They met again in the Halls of Mandos, where Lúthien offered to sing a ditty. Mandos shrugged and accepted, even after what her music had done to his big brother Morgoth. Lúthien's song was so pretty that Mandos went to Manwë, "Bro, you have to hear this!" And after hearing it, both decided she would get a prize: she could either live happily ever after in a land with no pain or sadness, where all was joy and song, or she could shack up with Beren and die.  
  
Being much too pretty to say anything even remotely clever, Lúthien chose mortality.  
  
They lived for a while in Tol Galen and had a son, Dior.  
  
Then they died.  
  
THE END 


End file.
